I can't have my cake. I feel caught in the middle. Unfortunately loyal to all my commitments and allegiances. No doubt by choice, but nations can be unwieldy and demanding. In their collective strength like children and I react no better, becoming more and more resistant and reclusive at every turn. I write these words not to illicit reaction, but to express concern. I feel guilty, but there comes a time when all must selfishly proclaim their fears in hopes to making light of them, to excise spirits, if you will. (and, yeah, I am doing it publicly, but I have always believed that the web is the perfect arena for such ramblings, both public and private, proactive, but blameless, but that's just me) My summer has been about as insane as I had imagined it would be the only thing I didn't account for was my severe reactions to the stress. I can't even get myself to leave my room. But happily so, I can't think of a place I would rather be. Cool and dark and filled with my favorite things, various connections to the outside word remain: Telephone, internet connection, knocks upon the door, what have you. Crisis, concern, conflict and confrontation. Its really all to much for me, but perhaps what they say is true, I am weak willed and impressionable. In need of a good vacation and a prescription for an industrial strength sedative. Perhaps. It's really just my desire for order and my compulsions to exert control over what I truly lack power over. I feel like I have retrieved my fortune one to many times from the fantod deck: "Evil communications" "misplaced trust" "an accident in a stadium" I cant escape it. I am just waiting for my demons to break out of the closet. I have time and time again this summer called in to question my own judgment, this is nothing new, but for perhaps the first time I think that others are calling me on it too. (I have been lucky till now) Have I been remiss, indecisive, and noncommittal? Sure. But I call into question the demands, questions and actions of others as well. I don't understand any of you. Though I may claim too, the same way you claim to understand me, that's all good, we all do it. I continuously stifle myself. The emotions and experiences which if felt and desired would greatly enrich my morale if not my life in general, I relentlessly avoid as if they here dangers of the highest order. I am nervous and with words like "reinvention" floating around, one can hardly blame me. Does anyone else realize how difficult and terrifying the world is? And can any one really fathom where this irrational fear might come from? I am sure some of you can. Though despite my utmost doubt in my abilities, I also believe that everyone else is nuts too right now. Am I projecting or empathetically reading the frenzy, which has griped so many of my friends and family? Or are they empathetically reading me, reacting to my irrationality with their own. Am I insane for even asking? Well, what makes insanity, or worth for that matter? And having sincerly asked that question, why am I so paralyzed? What is there to lose when nothing has sense or value? Well, I guess the answer is still, "everything". Sick of or confused by my philosophical pondering? Me too. But I am trying not to care.

Back