Good riddance February
The past few days have been too emotionally and physically taxing for me to sit down and write about all the things I have wanted to. There were countless moments when I thought to myself, "Write it down, commit it to the hard disk", but alas, I did not and most of those ideas and stories are lost now. pity.
A few things I did want to mention (and have remembered to):
Last night after one of the worst work days we have had in a long
time (read: 5 hours without POP and off and on name service), Josh
and Ethan and I went across the street to the, until recently despised,
Sofitel and partook of the all-you-can-eat chocolate buffet. Holy
Christ. Today, in honor of my 2 month quitting cigarettes mark, I bought a
big fat torpedo cigar.
Tonight, after an equally challenging and harrowing day at work, I
smoked the shit out of it.
Tomorrow, well thats anybody's guess.
| 2/26/01 |
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Look how goddamn adorable my little bird is. that's all for now, more later. |
I noticed today that my bottle of antidepressants (yeah yeah, pills again) has a little yellow sticker of the "take with food" variety that reads,
Do not chew or crush, swallow whole.
I am impressed with the practical wisdom of these words. Pretty simple advice really, but you'd be surprised how often I suck on bitter pills.
Late night last night. That drag puppet show thing went much later then I had ever expected it could and oh yeah, curse the pabst blue ribbon & jameson 3 buck special.
Its snowing and all I want to do is go home and hide under my covers and listen to small change and drink tea with honey and lime. I am tired and its cold. And I have to work till 9. sigh.
And another thing, I like Dolly Parton. You may think I'm joshin ya, but no. I mean, think of the few things you know about Ms Parton; 9 to 5: funny movie, great song. Jolene: c.l.a.s.s.i.c. And remember that time she was on the Muppet show?? Remember?!
Ok obviously that's about all I know about Dolly Parton. In fact I cant even be so sure that I remember all too much about her Muppet Show appearance except that maybe Ms Piggy was really jealous of her, but that's not much of a stretch. Also I remember that my dad had a Dolly tee-shirt. He wore it for years and wash after wash the decal began to fade away. He used to joke that it was from foundling... nevermind.
Anyway, I mean it when I say I find her charming, that I like her. Though I can honestly say that if you had told me 10 years ago, hell 10 months ago, that I would be walking around tapping my heels to ditties off her 2001 release and singing her praises like the good old country gal my Pa always wanted me to be, I would have socked you one. But what can I say? I have been converted.
Little did I know when I bought her new cd, that she did a cover of the Collective Souls song, Shine and frankly I think its ten times better then the original. Its just damn cute. That's the thing, she is just damn cute. Dolly, let your light shine down.
All I know is that I am buying her blue grass cd and that should I ever cross the Tennessee border, I am headin straight for Dollywood.
You mark my words.
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2/20/01 I was gonna write about the dead person I saw last week, but then something even weirder happened to me... and besides, the whole dead person story is just rotten and sad and you could have read about it in the papers, so I'll spare you. So to make a very long story very short, when I was home on friday, I found a huge folder filled with papers/documentation from my childhood: report cards, class pictures, awards, standardized test results and much, oh so much more. The whole thing painted the most twisted and unforgiving portrait of my youth, the good, the bad and the bizarre all detailed in newspaper clippings and on moldy yellowed pieces paper. I still can't tell how to feel about it. Honestly, I am at an emotional loss of words. I don't know whether I should laugh or cry or take my parents to court. So its best, I think for now to remain pitifully impassive. I can deal with all of this when I am in therapy again, and until then I think I am gonna ignore it. Here is a quick overview of the most entertaining items: - A clipping from the local newspaper which has a picture of me at age 7 dressed as Puff the Magic Dragon. The caption reads, "No dungeon for this dragon". VERY cute, but also very hard to make out. - A high school report card where after the notation that I had received a C in french was the comment, "thanks for the effort". - A form letter addressed to my parents from the gym department of my grade school informing them that their "son/daughter" had successfully climbed "the rope to the 20 foot level". This being the "maximum goal" but just "one of the many phases of the physical education program" (note, I drew in the ponytail.) - A letter from one of my grade school teachers informing my parents that I was being placed in remedial reading. There is a descriptive note about my problem areas which, not surprisingly, are still the types of things that I wrestle with: spelling, word recognition, pronunciation of multi-syllabic words, blah, blah, blah blah. - A certificate of achievement certifying that I has participated in the 1981 easter bonnet parade. Let there never be any doubt. - A newspaper article where after wining second place in the Aston Tricentennial Poster Contest, I "quipped" that participating had been a "once in a life time opportunity". And I thank god for that. - A two sided piece of note book paper detailing the rules and restrictions surrounding a two month grounding my senior year of high school. I shit you not, two months! two sided! (MORE ON THIS LATER) (oh and oh! It was this grounding that functionally ended my relationship with the grunge boy that made me the god bullies tape!) - And lastly, the 3X5 card you see above. I have no idea what it was for. I don't even remember receiving it. Its just nice to know that there were things like that. I guess I had forgotten. I am still processing and I fear I will be for some time.
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My cd player is fucked. Its behavior is becoming more and more erratic. I have no idea what's wrong with it. I have heard plenty of theories though. I mention this because for a day and a half I listened to the radio. I am simply too sensitive for this, too painfully sensitive. I guess music is more then a background noise thing for me, because the whole time the radio was on, I was snarling and wincing and cracking up. I couldn't tune it out. I think, in the entire time I listened, that I didn't hear a single song I liked (unless you count Jon BonJovi's Wanted dead or a live, cause I find that one amusing and you know, he's a cowboy).
So after one torturous radio episode after another, I decided to break out my tapes. And now when I say "break out", I mean it. My collection of cassette tapes has been in the study closet since I moved in to Hazel a year and a half ago. But don't let the "year and a half" reference fool you, most of these tapes are over 10 years old. We are talking the music I listened to in high school; We are talking the music marychen and I used to speed along route 202 at 2 am to, We are talking mix tapes that my first boyfriends made me, hell, even the mix tapes I made for myself. I cant properly explain the embarrassment or the joy. In this too there was snarling and wincing and cracking up, but at least I have nobody to blame but me.
Highlights (artist, song title, commentary):
The God Bullies, Shallow Grave: a very strange, oddly pretty song. My favorite off of the grunge mix tape a boy made me. (circa 91)
Ministry, Jesus built my Hot Rod: Is that "Nobody with a good car needs to be justified" line from a Flannery O'Conner book or is this False Memory Syndrome?
Nine Inch Nails, Get down, Make love: By far my favorite club song and if you had seen me and Mary and Leah dancing to it, it would have been your favorite too.
David Bowie, Boy Keep Swinging: The gayest song I have ever heard. gay gay gay!
Bauhaus, Bela Lugosi's Dead: goth goth goth!
Single near dead cassette, Side A- The Goats, Tricks Of The Shade / Side B- Bad
Religion, Recipe for Hate: Just glad I found this one.
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Unrelated note: the internet made me cry again today.
I am beginning to think this site needs a major overhaul. I am beginning to think I need a major overhaul. There. I have just successfully jinxed myself out of making any positive changes to my website or to my person! What a weight off my shoulders.
Things to look forward to:
- Pine's AntiValentines party. Because though we may all, when able, use it to our advantage, we know full well what a contemptible and sadistic holiday this really is. Now, where are my chocolates??
- Friday I am going out to the suburbs so my mom can take me shopping for a dress for Mir's wedding. At first I didn't see the danger in this, but then I remembered my new tattoo. The damn thing is on my arm and she is gonna do that thing she does... No wait, I should give her more credit. Maybe this time she wont get... that way she gets. Its just that the last time I came home with a visual "mutilation" (my labrette) she blanched, looked away and was unable to look at me for the rest of the day. She never even said a word about it. She just quietly felt shame. Or what was that disgust? Whichever.
- Mir's wedding! 3 days, 4 nights (?) in Vegas. Dear god.
Last night Tim and I went to New York for the Space1026 kids' opening at Cbgbs. Its exciting enough that I live in a big city between two other big cities and that I can, at the drop of a hat, escape for an evening to the island of Manhattan, but its another thing altogether to do so when a whole bunch of fantastic people and brilliant art is waiting for you. And better still when you happen to be accompanied by one of the most enormous and friendly full moons you have ever seen (I am reminded of the Sheltering Sky and Paul Bowles' cautionary prose, "How many more times will you watch the full moon rise?"). So the art was stupendous and fun, but really, honestly, I am always way more interested in the people- lots of familiar philly faces there and I got to catch up with my two favorite New York people; Suzanne, who apparently has a doublegoer wandering the streets of Philadelphia and Todd, who as it would happen paid me a fine compliment, almost as good as Guilhermie's homesteading line, "You look so good at the bar". And oh god, in keeping with my recently conceived NY tradition, I dragged Tim to Pomme Frites where we partook of the best french fries on the east coast. yum.
I was supposed to go right home after work, but Miranda just called and we are going out for a drink. I will go easy on myself, I promise.
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In a strange chronological progression of photos, you hopefully get a glimpse of the beast's impressive size and unruly manner. He was, I mean, he is a goodly monster and now he is filling an other's world with his big lizard love. Thank goodness. |
I don't expect this to make any sense: In the middle of my lunch today, I had this intense flash back to a dream that I had last night in which I was being initiated in to some weird religious society. The ritual itself was taking place in this massive temple sort of place, with pillars of marble, ceremonial fires, incense and flowers and virgins in robes. I was following in a precession of believers, we were all singing and chanting. Eventually I found myself before a rabbi who laid his hands on me and in some sort of ecstatic quaker manner I fell to the ground and was saved, and by that I mean, I found Jesus and it felt real good, in fact it felt just like doing whipits. Honest to god.