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Up down up down up down top bottom, ugh.
The chemical levels in my brain are going wild. For various reasons, my regiment of medications has changed recently. Partly condoned by my doctors, partly not. (give my neurologist this url and I'll kill you) What can I say? I just have this feeling that I understand how sometimes schizophrenics (or others) wake up one morning and well, no more pills. Its that simple. Sometimes you need your independence and frankly, its a lot easier to stop swallowing those mood stabilizers then it is to put down those cigarettes. Funny that. What do I risk? Lets not talk about that. What do I stand to gain? a sex drive? an emotional life? anything is possible, thought I'm not holding my breath for a libido. I certainly feel different, or is that just those seasonal allergies? so far so good, no major reactions, no headaches, no lesions, no brain-eating-zombies. (incidentally ever since Melissa Pfeffer returned that missing piece of my brain, I've felt a lot better. She found it in Mexico, which leads me to believe it was the goat-suckers after all) The jury is still out, but rest assured it will make for an entertaining summer. |
| Updates: My paxil is pink! |
| 4/26/99 Things are good, no major complaints |
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5/2/99 Major complaint: Had the worst headache of my life. I had no idea that my head could contain so much pain, as if pain could be measured in volume... Headache was followed by about 5 hours of really extreme vertigo. (Which was actually a lot like that headache I had after that botched spinal tap. It sucks not to be able to stand up.) No other necrological symptoms. hhhmmmm....? |
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5/6/99 so far so good nearing the weekend and no more headaches. fingers crossed. |
| 5/11/99 A.O.K. |
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5/17/99 bugger. got a headache today, not nearly so painful as the last, but I got pretty nauseous and had a mild case of vertigo. buh... My last two headaches could easily be substance related. In both cases, I got wasted on loverly fruity beers and wines. Or of course, these could be related to my recent medication experiment. Well, three is a charm. I am NOT going to drink anymore fruity stuff and we shall see if I get another headache. I suppose, if I continue to get them, I will go back on the pills. This will be a shame, I was just starting to feel alive. |
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5/24/99 Hazzah! no megrims! |
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5/26/99 Well, this counts... Have begun taking antibiotics for a nasty PAINFUL kidney infection. Don't ask how I managed to develop/contract this... I cant even guess... cavorting with those bad bacterial again, will I ever learn? Anyway, the medication is called cipro and three days worth cost me 20 bucks which make this the second most expensive med I have ever been on. (first being the old sumatriptan, 60 some bucks an injection) This better work! There was also the obligatory purchase of a bottle of acidophilus (so we can avoid certain uncomfortable side effects) which cost me another $10. If is not my brain, its my body.... Where is my spleen and what does it feel like when that gets infected? OH yes, I got a tetanus shot yesterday on top of anything else, for that oh so pernicious gash I got from that big piece of dirty, rusty, gaged metal on 40th street (is west philly a death trap?) Will I ever be well? |
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5/27/99 Ugh! Developed an allergic reaction to the cipor. Stoped that, spent a day in a benadryl coma and have begun a new antibiotic, Sulfamethoxazole w/ Trimethoprim. Fancy this, a weeks worth of this one only cost me $5.(doesn't it sound more expensive?) Hail generic medications! Also, saw my neurologist for the last time today. He is off to head-up a center for research on children's degenerative neurological diseases. (happy job!) Any way he was very pleased with my progress. We got to the standard point in the meeting, before the lets-test-her-motor-skills part, when we reviewed my medications. I am a liar, a bold face liar, who should bite her big fat lying lips, "Yes, dr taylor, I take my pills twice a day." And I thought lying about baby asprin was hard, christ! He was particularly insistent that the verapamil was essential and that I should remain on it indefinitely (how horrible) He was quite clear on the subject. |
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6/14/99 nothing new. well, except for the yucky cold/sinus infection I now have. I refuse to go on antibiotics. I have had enough. Apparently I will never be well. Happily, no headaches. |
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6/17/99 Proclamation: Some friends have expressed concern about my recent medical experimentation. So I just wanted to take a second to say, I am concerned too. I am not taking this lightly, despite what this page may be suggesting. Actually, this page is a way for my to allay some of the tensions and insecurities I have about this whole situation in general, a way to publicly make light of and cope with some very real, very intense health issues. Its not like I joke about this when I am falling asleep at night. <joking>At the very least, if I have a stroke tomorrow, there will be a detailed, perhaps useful account of my folly.</joking> Be concerned, that's good, but lets not worry, shall we, worrying never makes one healthier. |
| 6/25/99 I am well |
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6/28/99 had a "headache" yesterday what a drag and it was like a billion degrees so I suffered. Actually, this was the first migraine I have ever gotten where I knew it was going to happen before I even started to lose my vision. I got very dizzy and uncentered, but very certain. I imagine it is exactly what you would feel like it you were having a premonition of you own doom. I bet cyclopes got migraines. |
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7/07/99 things are good, except for this heat. Philadelphia is a hellhole when its gets above 85 degrees. who knows why. |
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7/13/99 Under insane amounts of stress. Filled with hate and ire. note: this may cause a headache (or at least one good nose bleed). doesn't it figure. suffer suffer suffer. Also, down to 20mg on my last medication, which may be doing nothing for me as the normal adult dose is around 80-100mgs Is this causing the my inability to cope? better learn how. quick. |
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7/15/99 Alright, brain: I know you're up to something. Stop making me feel dizzy! You'd better start behaving or we are going to have to discuss this "arrangement" of ours... |
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7/16/99 3:00pm HA HA! caught you!(my brain that is.) am getting a headache. I still can barely see my screen or board as I type these words. the pain has just begun. I don't have any pain killers with me and the air conditioner in the office is broken. Oh, fuck me.. I might just go home (not like its any cooler or darker there). Will report any unfortunate physical effects...later. 4:05pm Oh Oh OH! lost feeling in my left hand. Thats exciting 4:12pm yow, numb lips. 5pm-11:30pm vertigo |
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7/29/99 Migraine. Well I knew it was going to happen. though I should say that it is impossible to reason exactly why I am getting more headaches. Yes, I have gone off of those medications but also YES, I have been under more stress then I have been in a really long time. I wouldn't be so upset if I didn't have to deal with this new symptom: Vertigo. Have you ever had vertigo? well, let me tell you how awful it is... its exhausting and you can't manage to do anything but lie there and hope it will pass. Its just a horrible feeling. Swooning and near blacking out every time you stand up or move to quickly and that not even considering the nausea which is hits you regardless of your position or movement. I haven't pushed it to hard really, I have no idea what would happen if I didn't get down on my hands and knees or collapse on to the bed. Would I pass out? I have no idea. But I gotta tell you, vertigo has really made me feel quite terrible. It is the perfect reminder of when I was sick. Except then it was unreasonable hellish pain when I stood up. I don't know which is worse.. pain or dizziness. not comparable really. I was layin there yesterday not able to get out of bed, thirsty, hungry, hot and realizing how helpless I was. Sure I could get up to get myself a glass of ice water but would that mean falling down the stairs in the process? I did eat, but it made me sick and uncomfortable. Really, I am cursed. We all are in our own way, I guess this is mine. Where can I trade in my brain for a new one? |
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8/02/99 okay now is the time when I consider going back on the drugs. I am now suffering from my second migraine of the day. pain is not so bad, vertigo is just setting in so i have no idea how bad it will be. I suppose any rational person would have made the decision to go back on their meds a long time ago. I wish the issue where as simple at simply trying to avoid pain and missed work. Migraines suck and they can be horrible, so anyone would want to avoid them, but I have a special reason for needing to be migraine free.... migraines make my brian act funny, vertigo, numbness, seizures, aphasia... lesions. I need to stop having them. I need to consider the medications again. actually, you know I bet that there a million and one "natural" remedies or means of prevention that I could invest in, but I fear so much and it so hard for me to concentrate that I don't know if I will ever be able to rely on yoga or macrobiotics or whatever... I am resistant. I am stubborn. I am stupid. |
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8/03/99 Yesterday was rotten. 5 total. |
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8/12/99 right right. I had a headache last friday night but it was really mild and I didn't get any vertigo... was able to have a beer and play around and go to sleep. Its almost been a week, the madness is over. |
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9/1/99 doin good |
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9/4/99 mild head ache. mild vertigo. |
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9/27/99 summer is over and so is my experiment. what have the results of my experiment yielded? more headaches. more anxiety. I have come to several realizations: 1) it IS easier to take pills then to take care of yourself. 2) I am to much of a fuck up to really take care of myself 3) I don't even know what it means to take care of myself. 4) that as things stand now, at age 25, I am a depressed, anxious person who without the aid of medication will continue to be depressed and anxious AND suffer form rotten neurological problems. so, that's it. back on the pills I go. I stand corrected. |
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11/18/99 yikes. That last entry was rather bleak. I must not have been feeling so hot that day. Its been just about a month since I decided to go back on the pills, but I haven't done it. I have not had to many head aches. one or two. the vertigo seems to be a thing of the past (here's hoping!) and I saw my new neurologist, who by the way is super cute. He was a bit put off that I had dropped three medications like a flimsy shawl but I was simply honest and up front about my reasoning and my hopes and he seemed ok with that Actually the only thing he reprimanded me about was not taking aspirin. The only thing he insisted upon was that I take aspirin. I can live with that. I guess that's the point. So in conclusion: summer is over. my life is less stressful. I have been pretty lucky head wise. no pills for me (expect the aspirin ...) and I will attempt to be as responsible as possible about my emotional and neurological well-being. ha. |