thoughts:

11/30/99 Occasionally as I am talking to a user, while waiting for a file to upload or a server to reload, I innocently engage in small talk. I should have learned my lesson by now. I have on several occasions unwittingly become privy to people's racist, sexist and all around annoying views of the world. Today I got some racist insight. The first time this happened, a user explained that he had once lived in Philadelphia and had recently moved to Georgia. He explained (amongst other things) that he preferred buttfuck-wherever Georgia to Philadelphia, because it was not as "dark". Yeah and I bet its not as Gay or Jewish or whatever either. Today, a customer divulged that they had made a recent trip to the City of Brotherly Love and had the misfortune of visiting the Gallery, or the Center City shopping mall. "It was SO unpleasant" he said, "Just terrible" He didn't immediately explain why, but soon admitted that he and his friend where the "only two whited guys in the place... It was horrible." "Hey Pal! Now you know what it feels like to be in the minority" I wanted to say, but as that is not good customer relations, I refrained. I have two questions: 1) Why would they think that I would want to hear something like that? I guess I have enough guilt for even the smallest of unintentional racists thoughts that I simply can imagine how some one could overtly and proudly share such feelings. I guess that's where my repressed upbringing kicks in. Clearly these people are a lot more confident and self assured then myself. 2) The real question: How do they know I am not black? YOU know I am not black cause I have pictures of my pasty white skin plastered all over this site, but honestly, how do they know? Is it my, I-must-be-a-white-girl voice? My couldn't-possibly-be-black-first-name? They have a hard enough time believing that there is a women in tech support, with all their "Dear Sir" letters. I couldn't POSSIBLY be a black women. That would just be unheard of. I don't know why this gets to me the way it does. I am a white women, from a middle class Wasp/Quaker family. Why should I be so affronted? Beside that fact that its just backwards and ridiculous? I guess cause at any moment I fear they turn their hatred and stupidity on me. I am sorry for the world... and I am pms'ing. Good night.

11/29/99 "the back button, Sir. Hit the BACK button"

11/28/99 Today I remembered that "your human spine" is one of the finest love songs ever written. Thank you, Nathan Larson. Spent the day on the sun porch, soaking up light and warmth and good words. Read the first few chapters of "Tongue First" (Emily Jenkins) and in reaction have dyed my hair, painted my nails and for the first time in several months have begun longing for a new tattoo. oh. I think we are going to go with a back piece this time. You only live once and I have been trying to advocate change and progress in my life. Faulty as it may be, nothing symbolizes this better then a new tattoo. Or possibly a good old fashioned piercing or shaved head, but these things are for the noncommittal. Tattoos are functionally and as a matter of happy cliche, forever. Sounds good to me.

11/27/99 I went grocery shopping today. I am trying not to think about the money I spent. As an extreme, I have avoided even touching the food that I bought, I desperately want that couple hundred dollars to last me. ugh. I was trying not to feel like an asshole, as I pushed my cart around the pathmark, filled to the brim with cheese, tofu, LU cookies and votive candles. See, I was overcome with this pitiful sense of guilt. Guilt about what? I still am not entirely sure. Was I feeling like a consumer? Despite that fact that beyond a shadow of a doubt, I happily and complacently am one: I want goods and services. Did I feel like I was flaunting my wealth to those around me. Those who pushed half full carts of a weeks worth of beef, lucky charms and cool-aid for their families, ready to make the purchase on half my salary? Was I feeling personally and financially irresponsible for recklessly splurging on the $5 boursin or that $8 jug of cat litter? I dont know. I tried to console myself with the constant reminder that it has been 4 months since I have stepped into a grocery store and given the prodigious amount of food I was about to purchase it could be 4 more, but that didn't help. I still feel like an ass. Going to drowned my guilt in some cheese.

11/26/99 thanksgiving was fine. Ate one of those legendary good meals. The whole family was together. My siblings and I ate at the "kids table" (in the kitchen) while the "adults" eat in the dinning room. Its better that way. I hid as much as I could. My awesome crazy aunts were in attendance, sharing stories of voyages and grandchildren and slipping crab dip to the cats. Later in the evening I along with Samuel and Goose watched excerpts of Austin Powers dubbed in French. Pretty hilarious. Later still I read about Ravens and T.E. Lawrence (of Arabia). I spent a number of hours trying to do work from home, cursing my Mac and bemoaning the fact that I have no money for a new computer, not with my trip to Europe coming up and all. stuck. Today, its sunny and PT and Rabbit are happily basking on the sun porch.

also also also 11/22/99 I am so chatty today I am standing at the bus stop tonight and up Walnut Street comes this horse and carriage. They stop at the light, right next to me and I can't help but admire the horse, whose has these awesome hoofs. The circumference of each one alone probably rivals the span of my own palm. And so as I am standing there, cursing the nazis that keep this fine specimen in a forced horse labor camp some where in South Philly, the light turns green. As they pass me I notice the passengers, Bride and Groom, apparently taking a romantic carriage ride up Walnut- complete with police sirens, homeless people, gawking pointing onlookers and me. I am not sure what possessed them. I turn and watch them pass through the intersection and through the perfect back window of the perfect carriage I see the Perfect Groom and the Perfect Bride engage in the perfect post-wedding kiss. I cant stop myself, I am not thinking, "ew!" I exclaim- possibly loud enough for Perfect Groom to hear me. He glances back. Stupid couple with their stupid happily-married-bliss. How can I be so repulsed and yet so jealous. Its pitiful. Off handily, I think that if my bus gets here quickly enough we can catch up to them, pass them, possibly spooking out our friend the horse, sending him/her, carriage, coachman and newlyweds careening through the Border's window 6 blocks ahead. Now that would make a wedding to remember and my night. It didn't happen.

also also 11/22/99 Its 8:25 EST and I just got an EMAIL from my dad. I am... I am startled.

also 11/22/99 sales question of the day: would we be willing to host a site that "will eventually offend everybody"? More offensive then peepantsboys?! I say: "shit yeah!"

11/22/99 I think the boy at amazon juice has a crush on me. Everyday when I go to get my King Kong, he looks at me with the craziest nervous wide eyed stair. His hands shake so badly when he hands me my 16 oz cup that I fear he will drop it. hm. some day he will find her and it will be a fine day.

11/19/99 Went out to Monk's last night. They have the best beer selection ever -period-. The birthday girl ordered rabbit and I could not get over the illusion / association that she was eating my cat. That was strange. I tried the rabbit... I still feel guilty.

11/17/99 and I thought barrettes where fun. shit. I put braids in my hair tonight. It's been years since I was able to do that. 93 or something. my hair had been so short for so long and now! well, I tell ya! I have braids. also, tonight jim houser gave me a yo-yo. a beautio, wooden tom khun. I like the killer and all, but oh my, what a difference a good yo-yo makes. god love jim houser.

also 11/16/99 I wouldn't mind the cold so much if we had reliable heat in our office... hey, so I had my fifth physic dream last night. I know you are not inclined to believe in such things and neither am I, so lets just say that when I say "physic" what I mean is "of or relating to a HUGE ridiculous coincidence" and sadly for the sake of my example this is not a the most impressive of my physic dreams, but i will share anyway: last night i had a very vivid dream of enormous meteors falling from the sky, flaming falling stars, whose fiery tails whipped above me in the night sky. Today, my contrail connection, zChuck informed me that the Leonids are upon us. Look up to the east and see the largest meteor shower in 45 years. god save our satellites.

11/16/99 some days I HATE my job. This is one of those days. Could one more thing go wrong? yes and it will.

also 11/15/99 I just went down stairs to find my house mates making sushi. uuummm avocado. this is a strange week. a week of bizarre coincidences, timing and synchronicities.(sp?)

11/15/99 I have three things on my mind tonight: 1) the dismemberment plan's "emergency & I" rocks. 2) all I want for the rest of my life is miso soup and yuengling lager. 3) who am I gonna take to the prom?

11/14/99 My BIG gay weekend: I went to big gay New York this weekend! firstly, I have my brother to thank for making this trip worth taking. Cause we spent what would otherwise have been two torturous public transit rides annoying the other passengers with our big gay jokes. Saturday evening I had what might have been the only meal I have had in New York that I didn't enjoy, but that's ok, cause I finally met famed Subway Bob and later that evening I got to meet my hero Todd Levin. Sunday was spent in big gay french style: brunch was goat cheese and shallot crepes and hard cider. The ladies and I took the first step in planning our big gay voyage francais. we chose a departure date and a hotel. don't ask me what's up with this big and gay stuff, I have no idea what's gotten into me. no wait...I do.

11/06/99 ITS 4:59 AM AND I CAN NOT SLEEP was it that $4.50 cup of new york blend? the fuck if I know. anyway, during that brief sleep that I did get, oh 4 hours ago, I had one of my recurring dreams where my primary mode of interaction with the word is through the graphical interface which is my eudora program. how sad, though at least now I think I have an idea of what goose means when he says he dreams in perl. or then again maybe not.

11/01/99 Please see marychen's top secret diary for a perfect discription of my halloween weekend

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